The fans have ceased spinning.

The fans have ceased spinning. The hot chocolates are out. The socks are on. The blankets are double layered. Yes its winter in Cambodia. Temperatures have dropped to a mere 20 degrees and one feels just a little bit chilly.

And as I am sipping my hot chocolate it never tasted so good. Perhaps it’s the fact it came via Belgium. Or maybe it’s the thought of school holidays in just 3 days.
Regardless it is certainly strange to be in a country who has weather warnings out by the Ministry of water resources and meteorology to “Please Beware” as there is going to be cold air temperatures. I mean can 20 degrees really be cold? And yes it got down to 15 degrees last night, but coming from a country where my friends in the south are going to have a high of 16, one can easily challenge the idea that 15 degrees is cold. And yes it is the start of summer in Aotearoa. Many would claim that New Zealand does not get cold. Regardless I am wearing more than one layer, and I am feeling chilly.

I guess it’s a good reminder of perspective. So easily things here in Siem Reap become the norm. It’s normal to be hot, so 20 degrees is cold. It’s normal to see people going through the rubbish. It’s normal to see those living in small shacks.
In the last 2 years as I have mixed in an international community, I have had a window into how different New Zealand is from other countries.

And I am challenged to have a look around again to see what perspectives of mine might need to be readjusted. I wonder what should not be normal. I wonder what values, or ways of doing things need to be challenged. I wonder what walls need to come down.

And I wonder if there are some other crazy ones out there like me, who have had enough of doing things, living life the way we always have, and want to see some changes in our communities, our churches and our world. Perhaps the perspectives are moving. Perhaps we can begin to see things a little differently. Perhaps normal is about to be unravelled…

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – Apple.

It reveals you.

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I read this quote the other day, someone was reviewing the book by John Green. And while I have not read the book, and have no idea of what the book is about, the words, this quote out of context, sits strongly in my mind and my context.

Armed with coffee, resources, kiwi goodness and a book by Richard Rohr I arrived in Siem Rep in August of this year. I returned to Cambodia teary eyed. The tears had started as I left my sister in Ponsonby and they had sat with me for hours, and were still with me as I arrived in the early hours of the first day at Siem Reap School. 95% of me did not want to return. But here I was. I was going to choose to do the hard thing.

In his book Richard Rohr wrote of how sometimes in the midst of great change, or great loss we have to step into this abyss, this time of transformation, this time of grief and in a sense it is like we are Jonah stepping into the whale, knowing that when we emerge we will be not different, but yet so much more than we were. That we will somehow be the same yet, we will be not the same. And in this book there was no promise that this was an easy journey, in fact it was suggested it was to be sometimes the hardest seasons of our life.

And so this quote sits with me… that the loss, the changes around me, and the grief would not change me…but rather it would reveal me. That the me that is, perhaps is a little more revealed.

I am not naïve enough to think that this could have been the hardest season of my life, but certainly it’s been a tough season, and a season with much inner work. And much like the picture I had in May of when I wrote of my journey of turning the corner and coming home. It has been a climb and I am not there yet. Home is indeed the land of the long white cloud and I am not quite there.

Today in my class we wrote this letter. And it was with real sadness, that I set out to tell my class that I would not be their teacher any longer. Isn’t it funny that when you are a bit disappointed you tend to want everyone to be disappointed with you. I guess that is our human side. There was a part of me that really wanted the kids to be sad that they would not be having me as a teacher any more. But the other part of me knows, that one has to help the kids to transition well, knows that the best thing I can do, to help the long term transition is to be in a sense the new teacher’s best ally. If I like Miss Glenda then there is no doubt that these 7 little people will like her too.

So began the plan to share of the new teacher who loves teaching junior kids, and the problem that we at Hope are actually looking for a year 4/5 teacher. With a bit of prompting, the kids very quickly came up with the solution. Miss Mels could move to year 4/5 and the new teacher could teach them. Problem solved in a moment. And in an instant there were excited kids. I must add for the sake of my sad soul, that there were some sad faces too. And some tears. But we could talk through that… and as I reminded them… I am not going anywhere for 6 months.

And so for me, there is a bit more of loss. My commitment to these beautiful cute kids, are who got me on the plane in Auckland city. I had of course thought of all the reasons why I could stay in NZ. I had contemplated all my boxes in Siem Reap which I had moved before my summer break and I knew there was nothing in them that I could not lose. I thought of the earning opportunities in Cambodia and well, I knew that New Zealand proves much more lucrative. My commitment to Hope did not feel strong. And so it was the cute faces of 7 kids and my commitment to my team that got me on that plane.

I think there has been just a bit too much loss. An overload so to speak. A glass of wine, a good night out with the girls, a massage, a damn good coffee, a shopping splurge, a good walk along the ocean…not a lot is going to work right now…I just want to yell “Enough!”

I have had enough. In just 4 months I have changed jobs, moved across country of a strange country, left good friends behind, lost good friends… its enough. And yet life just ticks on.

Today I posted these two cards on my classroom wall…one from a current student… please note the kind words “i Love you” and one from my new student.

Oh I know that with loss, with change comes new opportunities. I mean look at the gorgeous card from this new student. But like Jonah I would like to just head in a different direction. I wouldn’t mind running away.

And yet in the same breath I want to be revealed a little more, I want to reveal more of my true self. We hate change, yet the revelation is good. And so in a sense I continue the journey of the year, I walk into the loss.. I walk into the whale..and I hope a bit more of me is revealed.

Miracle Girls

I have 5 hours to kill while I wait for my next flight… and looking out in to the sunlight I can’t help but see and reflect on the face of a healing, protector that is looking out for us all.

The face of a God who protects, is the picture that has sat with me over the last few months. I guess for some reason I have felt a need for protection at different moments. Protection implies danger, fear, being scared. And perhaps in the wind of a tragedy we become a little more scared, a little less risk taking and just a tad unsure of the circumstances that surround us.

Its been a beautiful week to find myself surrounded by mountains the thing that always reminds me that we have this big, overwhelming, huge creator. A creator that protects. And more than that this a creator that hears little old me. A creator who I would say sprinkled a little more beauty into my life on Monday night as the first lot of snow flakes began to fall for winter. Who would have thought that this year I would see snow flakes, let alone be able to even contemplate dancing around in the snow. Miracles.

This week I have been reminded of the face of a miraculous God. Many would question does God exist? Is there someone looking out for us? And I guess in the wave of losing great friends, and precious wee people to a tragic car accident these are very valid questions. Where was God in that moment?

Sometimes there seems to be a silence, and I don’t know how to answer this, and certainly in my grief these words of CS Lewis that were given to me by a friend sit with me in that silence.
“When I lay my questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of “No answer.” It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though he shook his head, not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, “Peace, child; you don’t understand.”

Playing with and chilling with Esther and Da Jung this week reminded me we have a God that is miraculous. These girls are not without scars and reminders that they very nearly might not have been here, and I might even argue would not have been here without the intervention of a miraculous healer.

Are prayers answered? Do the words we utter go somewhere? I think they do. I think our formal prayers are heard. I think our thoughts are heard. I think our pleas and cries are heard. I think our moments of excitement are heard. And somehow these words, these thoughts, these moments change the face of the future.

These beautiful smiles are a reminder of a miraculous God and I can’t help but write of this today.

Whether or not we go to church. Whether or not we open the word. Whether or not we have connection with God. None of this matters. What matters, is our words, audible and silent are heard.

And as a result there are miracles. It makes me want to ask for more. It makes me want to dance in the sunlight, and to dance in the snowflakes.

Ask for more. Dance. And lets open our eyes and watch the miracles unfold.

Thank you, for our miracle girls. Thank you for hearing our words… our prayers and our thoughts.

Beauty

Its one of those beautiful days, the sun is shinning. The sky is blue. The leaves are shinning and dancing in its beauty. It’s the good moments. We have them. Sometimes they last the day. Sometimes they are brief. Sometimes they last the month.

Sometimes it’s just in an instance. Sometimes it’s a year of beauty or its just that second when you look up from whatever lies in front of you.
The length of time does not matter. Time melts away. It’s beauty. It’s a moment. Given to you. That moment is just for you. A gift.

Riding under the trees along the river looking up at the sky I held my gift. I wanted that moment just to go on and on.

Looking up from the worries on my mind. Looking up from the streets, from the poverty, the dirtiness, the brokenness I see the trees blowing in the breeze. I see a different view, I see beauty.

And in just a moment I am dragged down to the things of today. The worries I have. Realities. Mean People. Jobs to be done. Cleaning. Planning. Bills to be paid.
Life is beauty. In the midst of all that is going on there is a beauty in life.
I hold onto the beauty in my life. In my pocket is my rosary. It feels smooth and worn in my hands. It reminds me that in this beauty I am not alone. Perhaps the maker of this beauty is with me. Perhaps as I hold onto the wooden beads, I can know there is always beauty around me. I just need to look up.

This week the beauty lies in a plane ride I will be taking on Thursday. This week the beauty lies in the faces of two beautiful girls I will be able to see.
I am excited through God’s blessing to be able to go to Korea and be with these two beautiful girls. And I hope that perhaps I can be something beautiful in their lives.

Oh to live life, to bring beauty to others.

Oh to hear others say, “it’s a beautiful day.”

The lake.

A month ago. The day I packed all I could think of,while my mind was not really working, into my blue pack and lifted all items from the floor onto the beds or the tables, will be a day to remember. Not only did I create like a big crazy mess, in my tiny wee cottage. But it was sad to leave my house, and not know what was to become of it. Would it survive the waters? Would I survive the waters? Having already lost my shoes that day, I was so praying I would not be tripping on some big rock as I walked through the lake that surrounded my house. I was grateful to know that I was not alone.

And then it was just a waiting game. Waiting has been such a theme for me in Cambodia. I find myself waiting for things all the time. And all I could do was wait. Wait til the water disappeared. Wait til the rain stops. Wait and then deal with what ever drama or crisis unfolded. Wait.

Its when we are waiting that the worry sometimes creeps in. The worry of loss of house. The worry of what is ruined. Worry that might not every be, worry that steals out time.

And in the end all of those worries were a waste of time. In a months time it would be history. In a months time the lake would be gone. In a months time their would be new worries. Maybe in a months time I will learn to wait patiently without worry, without fear, and with Hope.

Perhaps when we hope for the best, the worries around us are disappear.

And so I wait. And so I hope.

The foxes were in town!

This post is a little belated! I blame the rainy season and my cloudy brain. But it has to be posted because it was a very exciting time!

With great excitement I looked forward to Anna and Matt coming. And the best thing yet on the sunday they were arriving was to check my emails and find out that they were coming an hour early. It was indeed going to be a sunny sunday. Yipee!

In fact Anna and Matt coming was the one thing that got me on the plane and back to Cambodia in August when I was feeling rather like just staying in NZ. I mean why come back to a country where I knew things might be a bit tough initially? Who wants that? Well the carrot I dangled in front of my face was the fact that I would have Anna and Matt coming in less than 8 weeks… and they arrived… and they have brought great joy. I am unsure that they will really know the blessing they have been to filling my tanks for the season ahead! An absolute highlight of the 2013-2014 academic year. And the best thing is though these special people are now gone… I have memories of them all over town and the 7 little people who I hang out with each day simply loved Mr Matt and Miss Anna so the foxes are being talked about often!

So it was two weeks fill of blessings. Two weeks fill of great conversations, great laughter, silly moments and two weeks of bliss! Its these special moments that our creator gives us in order to remind us that we are not alone in the tricky moments, that the sun is shinning…that bells are twinkling… there is hope… and of course there is the mighty Foxes! Loved having you come Anna and Matt! And now when I miss you I can go and eat a frog, or a dinner of croissants, or visit A & E, or head to the Blue Moon Cafe. (Which is where I find my self right now)

Here are a few pictures from the good times had!

So when the guests arrive… its defiantly time to check out some of the places one has not visited yet. So as you can see from this gorgeous background we made a little trip to the “international hospital”. A wee little accident, a wee little fainting, a wee stitch or two later, and a wee little Anna was feeling all good!

Holiday dinners must include a crossitnat or three! Time to enjoy the good things about Cambodia and the french baking times.

Yes she is loving this place!

Angkor at sunset. First trip out since arriving in Siem Reap. It really is the most beautiful spot here.

Fancy a silk worm Matt? I hear they tasty like a bean!

Miss Anna the amazing teacher. The class have been loving the big books that Anna and Matt brought. The absolute highlight of the day! And well the kiwi cricket is amazing. I have never seen kids love a sport more. I reckon I have the most enthusiastic bunch of sporty kids in my class. They play in frills, in dresses and in heels. Go my class!

Visiting a new temple.

Yes that is a frog that Matt is eating. I might have tried a few new meats in this little adventure.

Good times at the Siem Reap flat. I am not sure what to name my house. I have no idea of the street name. The village name. Or anything other than it being near the petrol station. And well we ain’t calling it petrol flat. So any ideas are welcome!

Oh and the flood! Anna and Matt might have got the most exciting trip to Cambodia with flooding waters, visits to hospital and trips on the back of a truck.

Broccoli Juice and Jasmine Tea

Broccoli juice and jasmine tea scented tissues… Am I crazy? Have I begun to embrace the culture in too many ways? Or am I sick? Some might think yes to all of the above. And indeed I am sick and do find myself with time on my hands, as I rest up and get rid of this darn fever!

There is something about the warm tropics, which does not lend itself to helping you heal quickly and well there is nothing like already being sweaty and then getting a fever on top of that.

So my comfort juice I have discovered while being in Cambodia is the juice entitled “Broccoli Juice” its not 100% Broccoli and has a good chunk of apple juice in it, to give it the sugary kick it needs. But it’s green, and seen as I have no idea where to begin to find my normal “spirulana” kick… I opt for a different green juice while in this country. Believing that like the spirulina power the green juice will be healing.

And today I felt like I am really at home as I plunged my nose into a scented tissue and though, hmmm what is that familiar good smell. Arghhh I know it’s the jasmine iced tea from the café. I am not sure if its there to make me enjoy the experience of blowing my nose, or to continue the sneezing goodness which I am enjoying today. Either way I realized that at my near two-year stint I am feeling rather comfortable in this place.
The Cambodian ways are truly in my blood, and I wonder what parts of this adventure and time will come back with me. In what ways will I be different, or build a different life or how will I do things differently after this season here.

Change is not always nice, but I guess we are called to be people of transformation and people creating change around us. So how does that work for us? Its easy to come to a new place and get a new perspective on life, when everything is so different, you can not help but see new ways. But how do we change when things are not new. When we have been doing the same old for a while. When everyone around else is all the same.
It feels strange to be thinking of returning to my kiwi life. I am pretty much the same gal. But yet there are some lessons, that have changed me for sure in the last 2 years. It feels like the move back home in 6 months time will feel strange. Funny how things become our norm so quickly.

And yet it still remains to be 6 months away. It’s a long time off. There are many things to happen in the next 6 months. And life is about the now. So as I sniff a whiff of my return home. And I take a moment to sip my green juice, I can’t help but wonder is it green grass over in NZ? Or will I return home and suddenly be hungering for something different.

And perhaps on my return home I will be whipping up some spiriluna and broccoli juice. Any takers?

The day the waters stole my shoes

I wrote this yesterday….. So I am sitting in a sterile white, cold (yes i have my cardie on) cafe drinking on my lemon and mint shake while relaxing on a plush couch. It seems surreal compared to the flood waters I have today waded through, driven through via moto, tuk tuk, car and truck. And it seems just like another world far removed from what is happening down the road just five minutes from here.

I woke up this morning feeling sad. My good friends were heading home. I wish I could have just locked them in the closet and kept them here. But jobs continue, life goes on and they had to fly home to NZ. As I left my house my landlady’s mother spoke to me in Khmer pointing out the puddle next to the house and I thought…. that’s a bit of water and continued walking to the road. Funnily enough this older lady decided to follow me… I guess she was waiting for the reaction. I could not believe my eyes when I got to the gate. There was water everywhere and getting to school was going to mean wading through water up past my knees to get there. No moto driver or tuk tuk was going to come and rescue me. She then told me in Khmer “no work today” and I thought well I think school will still be open and began the wading. The water was gross but I did not want to think about it. And the neighbors all chatted to me as I walked, and we laughed at the irony of it all, and they pointed me to the higher spots in the flood water.

It’s the most water I have ever seen and I realised I would need to get a van to come and get Anna and Matt most likely and got to the end of the road, where the water had not found its way quite yet. The moto driver over the road was then ever so happy to take me to school. Funny how he would not come through the river to get me!

On arriving to school and coming through the flood waters of school it was made apparent that school would be closed. So after a few jobs quickly done I set about to get Anna and Matt. My friend Maaike came to the rescue in her vehicle and we took the back way back to the house which was pretty clear of water, apart from the odd major puddle. So again there was some wading to get to anna and Matt and the suitcases. On the departure from the house I happened to step in a part of the road which had given way to mud. And in the process my jandals broke and were stolen by the waters.

Maaike drove us half way to the airport and then really needed to turn around as the water was getting so high. In a legendary manoeuvre she managed to convince a truck driver to give us a ride to the airport. Cheers Maaike! And so through the waters we went. Matt on back with a couple of motos, a few passengers and 2 big suitcases and Me and Anna riding up front. And so it was that I was at the airport, shoeless waving off my friends… contemplating what the heck to do next.

Next did involve buying some new shoes (check em out below), doing a bit of school work, facing the floods and going back to my house. They were deeper now! And getting a few items to get out for the night to a guest house.

Sadly I won’t at this stage be heading back in for a while it would appear that today (Tuesday) the flooding is worse than yesterday and I could not even get to my house. I presume it is flooded and I will have to face that once the waters disappear. Though currently the water looks like its settled in. And dampened my adventurous spirit a little.

These were taken at about 7am this morning after I had waded through water way over my knees in order to get to school in time.

View point from the truck on the way out to the airport.

The New Shoes

Get me a Boat!

So the word was that in Siem Reap there is a bit more rain than Phnom Penh. I am not sure if its true or not. But the day your road turns into a river is the day that it beats the rain I have experienced thus far… and quite possibly the day to get a boat or certainly some gum boots!

So Saturday morning me and Anna woke up and decided to go down to the mini shop say just a mere 5 minutes down the road. But oh no… there was no way to get to the shop. No way to get out of the driveway really.

So it was a big fat “No!” to scrambled eggs with our coffee. Never fear though we did get the pancakes on the go! It’s what school holidays are all about.

Luckily later on we faced our fears and wadded through a bit of the water to hail down a tuk tuk and go adventuring. But a good chunk of Siem Reap seemed to be experiencing similar water levels.

And today as the water has decreased I was able to bike to the egg lady who seemed rather excited that today people could make it to her shop. And well the good old scrambled tasted pretty fine too!

So crazy flood waters in my neighbourhood. Crazy compared with what we would see in NZ. We wouldn’t really see water like this. But here in Siem Reap we are so lucky compared to other parts of Cambodia who are facing extreme flood warnings, loss of home, loss of food and loss of life.

Thinking of the many children, mums, grandparents, fathers, sisters and brothers who are without so much due to the flooding and hoping that the rising water ceases soon!

Flooding in Stung Treng:

Sunny Sundays

“Sunshine won’t you be my mother, Sunshine come and help me see
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath
We are crockked souls trying to stay up straight

Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshines
Too scared little runaways hold fast
Hold fast to the brink of daylight
The shadow proves the sunshine”

There’s been a bit of rain here in the village over the last few days. It is rainy season and so it really is expected. And today the sunshine is out. I feel hotter than I have been and instead of looking for the shadows to stand in, I am soaking up a bit of those sunshiny rays.

About 15 months ago I stood at Phnom Penh airport feeling excited, overwhelmed with emotions. My first friend was arriving to see me. I had not seen anyone from home for 6 months and I felt like I might almost explode. My friend doesn’t know this but I cried just standing there being overwhelmed with this amazing feeling of home, of friendship, of joy at the fact that I would be seeing her in a few moments. The plane turned out to be a little delayed and so I got to gather myself together before she stepped off the plane and into my world.

It’s funny to be feeling like that all over again. This time I will be standing at Siem Reap airport. But again there is this amazing feeling of being able to show my dear friends around my little village. The sun is shining and I am feeling like I just might explode. Exploding tears of joy and happiness. The foxes will be here soon and they are for me an amazing ray of sunshine.

There is a song that I have been thinking of this week which talks of how the shadows prove the SunShines. And as I reflect on this seasons I am in I think of how there are some shadows at times but that overall the sun is shining so bright. Things are good. I have these gorgeous kids to teach, I am discovering more about being in my creator and not doing a whole of things. I am in a beautiful spot. I have this amazing house. And I have two fantastic friends on the way. Great excitement is coming. I am so happy. Its time to celebrate the good things in life.

A pocket of sunshine right now is on a plane heading this way. This pocket of sunshine comes in the form of a couple of foxes. A couple of my people, from back home.

And I am going to relish in standing in the sunshine!